morning has come with the slightest layer of snow on the rooftops. the dissected view of my lavender tree and the heavy gray morning clouds pull me into my little corner on the couch that i love so. edgar brought me downstairs early this morning and i've been puttering. it's a cold morning. the kitchen floor is icy on my bare feet.....sometimes slippers are a good thing. the cats are beginning to stretch and preen. tom brought home fudge from his mother's the other day and i just had an early morning taste. it's wonderful with coffee. edgar has had his tour around the yard and is ready for some breakfast. and ellsworth decided the call of freedom is tempered by the shivery air. the day is started with a chilly twist.

edgar is sleeping stretched on the couch. the tree is lit and reflecting in the window. we are home from the neighbors, after watching 'national lampoon's christmas vacation', in front of the fire with hot chocolate and bailey's, brie cheese and triscuits and wonderful warm company. a beautiful conclusion to a difficult week.
i spent this week trying to get used to a new sewing machine. a frustrating and stressful proposition. a machine that was supposed to make life in the studio smoother and simpler but instead introduced a level of frustration more intense than i've felt in years. it's an industrial machine that insists on huge needles and thread that feels like rope, something i wasn't told when i ordered it. it's not even sort of the right machine for what i do. the plan had been to get a heavy duty machine for my quilts and the quilted things i make that can get quite bulky. and this was the machine that was erroneously recommended by the man who services my current machine. i feel like i've been hoodwinked. it has been a week and i've been unable to take a single stitch. i've wasted so much time trying to sort this all out, being reduced to tears too many times to admit. and all during the time i'm struggling to keep up with all the studio demands to begin with. i quickly realized quilts were out of the question with this ogre. but even when i'd wrapped my head around the idea that this would be good to have when i wanted to make totes or even books, to sew through leather or heavy bookboard or canvas, i still was unable to make it work. and when i took it back for the 2nd time and the dealer had the same trouble, i was torn between feeling vindicated and wishing it had been something simple that i'd overlooked, just to save the time and be back in the studio. so the new machine that my wonderful supportive parents bought me as a christmas gift sits staring hatefully at me in the studio creating tension and angry energy. and yet, my gut tells me that i should keep it even if it is driving me to distraction. i'm not sure why yet, but i feel it has a spot in the studio. maybe something i will make in the future needs this machine. it hasn't been easy keeping tantrums in check this week, anger i never feel, bubbling quickly and violently to the surface, forcing me to engage all the self-control i can find. it was a good thing to employ those skills again.
so, i will stop complaining and be thankful i am able to do what i love and promise this monstrous new machine that i will one day grow to admire it.

ok, so it's about a boy. this one regret. my paris regret. and when i search my memories to find a companion for it, i can't find one. i've made mistakes. lots and lots of not great decisions. but only one true regret. (tom says i should regret writing yesterday's blog and making you all curious about the regret.....he makes me giggle).
so in my mid-20s, paris was my home. for 5 or 6 years, when i wasn't there i was making plans to be there. i walked away from the biggest love i'd known or would ever know (until tom) to pursue her call. paris was a multi-layered lover. yet i still kept coming back to my michigan boy. i couldn't stay faithful to either one of them. i needed them both. and when i fell into a relationship of convenience in paris it grew ever more complicated. a man who was friends with my friends and who wooed me with his flawless parisienne french. this affair lasted a couple of years, complete with an engagement. but the truest part of me couldn't let go of the real love. and it made me a person i cringe to think of now, indecisive and whimpery at times. but i can't consider that my regret. my regret was simply this.....the last time i was in paris, 16 years ago. i was there for a month, wandering and photographing and seeing and thinking. sharing paris, absorbing her, and without knowing it, saying goodbye. i stood in one of the phone booths on the street talking to michigan, like i did so many days, with her blue april skies and the sounds and smells of her streets surrounding me. and he told me he had made arrangements to come for 5 days to be with me in paris. and i refused him. i told him not to come. that i didn't want him to come, although i did so very much. i didn't know how to reconcile all of the confusing emotions so i buried them and crushed him. that is my regret. and as a penance i have never returned. there were so many times the opportunity was there, but i felt tied and heavy and unable to bear the weight of my regret.

i have sentences that slip through my mind and disappear before i can write the words. they drift in and around, draped between my thinking and my doing. tonight i was walking out of the bookstore. it was about 10.30. the streets were dark and wet from a simpering rain. lights coming from locked stores. the smells of tobacco and diesel and rain woven into one scent. for a moment i had paris in my veins. an empty candlelit bistro. a purposeful step on a dark dreamy street. and my mind bustling with words and images wrapped in ideas. the paris years for me were full of burgeoning ideas that felt huge and marvelous. that i had the luxury to explore and the youthfulness to leave unfinished. distracted by the next idea. these were the wonder years that cocooned my puzzling ideas, leaving me with only one regret and a lifetime of fuel.

it feels like months since i've sat and relished the peace of a clean house. today i mostly stayed away from the studio. tom and i ran errands together. we bought our christmas tree and some ornaments. i bought plants because i've been craving the smell of green.
and tonight i hunted down dirt and dust. i washed and moved things and scrubbed and bleached. i vacuumed and rearranged. and put out all the tacky little ornaments that tom loves so dearly from his childhood. they are his memories of christmas and over the years they have become mine as well. it's 1.30 a.m. .... later than i usually stay up. but i had to get this place clean and christmas-y. i will put away the dishes and go to bed.

yesterday was parfait!!! the flooding sun. the stream of wonderful people through the doors. the fresh bright conversation and laughter. the feeling of support and warmth as our friends brought friends to see our shop and hunt for gifts. and the exhaustion at the end of the day as we sat with our glasses and talked about the people we met, the stories we heard, the items we sold and how we look forward to our next sale. and i thank the people who were able to come share our day in person, as well as the wonderful people who read my blog and send me encouragement and good wishes, consistently fueling me and keeping me focused on living my own little dream of a life.
thank you for a fabulous day yesterday. and the promise of many more

we are ready. or so close to ready that the final little tweaks can happen in the morning. the studio is delightfully prepared to welcome all for our christmas/holiday sale. tomorrow, sunday december 11th from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. tracy's encaustic paintings are making the upstairs sweet and warm with their beeswax colourings. trisha's dreamy, wool-filled waldorf dolls are smiling and napping throughout the little white house. there are tracy's sensual felted scarves, thick and soft and sexy. and trisha's fun, upcycled menswear purses. i have feather pillows and photos, collages and quilts. it's a wonderful holiday sale and we are excited to show you around. beautiful portsmouth village is the perfect spot for a sunday outing.....a walk along the harbour, through the lakeside park, and a visit to chasing lightning bugs studio at 55 mowat avenue.