getting up early feels purposeless without edgar's warm steady breathing filling the room.  it's been difficult to start my day and be productive.  but gradually i'm finding my way back. making my way to the studio even for a few hours every day.  i'm working on a small and limited little collection of quilts.  the quilt tops that i pieced together while i was home with edgar.  my edgar quilts.  after i realized he was dying, i knew these would be special quilts.  there are four of them.  lovely farmhouse throws, professionally quilted by megan.  although i'm always tempted, i never keep my favorite quilts.  but this time, i'm keeping one.  so there will be three farmhouse quilts listed in the next little while that are infused exquisitely in love (even more than my quilts usually are)   

tracy sent me this photo last night.  a photo she took of one of his quilts that he had torn a heart into. jump starting my work, sending me off into this new week with purpose!

 it's been a week and a day since we lost our beautiful boy. and the sadness doesn't seem to stop.  
edgar recovered swimmingly from his surgery in november.  yet i felt, even then, that i couldn't leave him alone.  i felt he needed me.  and i couldn't seem to keep him comfortable without pain meds.  he was limping and the limping was worsening with each week.  we thought it was nerve damage from the surgery, and the aches and pains of winter.  but a week into january, we learned of the cancer in his shoulder, coursing through him.  and eight days later, he was gone. bravely, with tom and i both beside him. and he left us the gift of not having to make the unbearable choice of euthanizing.  he was only briefly uncomfortable.

the joy in our world is gone.  i am lucky that during the last 2 months of his life, i was able to spend almost every moment with edgar, without the sad and final energy of knowing he was dying. the memories are beautiful, but waking up to a house without edgar is a disappointment every time.  our friends, our family, our co-workers and our wonderful vets have made this awful experience as good as it could be. our vet came to the house almost daily to check on him (and us), and arranged medication to be delivered so we didn't need to leave him. we have been showered with love and kindnesses.  we are bursting with gratitude.  and sorrow.
i couldn't bring myself to make this post until now.  but, as always, this blog is part of my healing.  part of directing me to a healthy place.  and today is a new day.  
 

i haven't had the stillness and quiet that i like to make into my blog writing time.  it's been full the past couple of weeks.  couple of months, even.  with my mind scattered and without too many blog worthy thoughts.  i'm keeping to the basics of late.  keeping edgar healthy and comfortable.  and making quilts.  and even the quilts have been on the back burner a bit.  
i've been in the kitchen alot.  and loving it.  my aunt brought my grandmother's box of recipes for me when she came for christmas.  i've been loving thumbing through them, recognizing some and finding a few of the old family favorites like her fudge and my grandfather's bannock. 
and the snow is piling up.  we had to shovel the backyard so edgar could maneuver through the depths of it.  
i miss my blog time and i'm working to get it back.  the early mornings sure make it easier.  with cats curled around the fire and the kettle on the stove.  but now the day is calling and more specifically, the kitchen, with last nights dishes!!!

i am up when it is still night again.  i don't mind it really.  i love the silence and the sense that i have a couple of hours to think before the real business of the day begins.  edgar seems to need me most often at around 4.30 a.m. and once i'm up, i might as well make it my starting off point.  today my mind is full of christmas things.  thinking i might suggest that we host instead of my parents this year, because it will be easier on edgar, and ultimately on us. and there are presents to get wrapped.  and still plenty of gifts to decide on.  although we are pulling back and having a christmas that is over the top in love, but with just a sprinkling of presents. books, and locally made gifts are what we're giving this year.  an anxiety free holiday is the goal.  so far, it's a success.  
the studio is still abuzz.  but there is alot going on, so i'm not there exclusively.  however, if you were hoping to find a gift among our rooms, please contact me.....when i'm not there, i'm usually just next door and ready to run across the yard and help find the perfect gift.  there are still several crib and lap sized quilts and a few full/queen sized ones as well. as well as wonderful hand made jewelry and vintage books.  and stocking stuffers too.        

this morning the living room is lit by the christmas tree.  the blush of little lights and the added bounce of light as it reflects off all the glass and windows.  and the library/dining room where i'm writing, is lit by the fire.  it sends a warm glimmery square of light onto the cats that sprawl before it.  the only other light is added by the computer screen.  this is the time of year when everything glows a little. i'm enjoying a few early morning moments of quiet before the day fully begins. 
today we're having the last sunday open house before christmas.  the little white house is bursting with holiday warmth and joy.  we'll be inviting you in from 10 until 5 today. 
sterling and hammered steel jewelry. 
vintage and collectible books.
cozy quilts and colorful napkins.  
goats milk soap and all sorts of other surprise treasures await.
drop by the little white house at 55 mowat ave in portsmouth village where you'll find gifts that will be cherished. 

4 a.m.   winter is beginning to really claim us now.  a neighbor's garage light is on.  and a sprinkle of snow is tumbling and twisting in the circle of brightness it makes.  yesterday we bundled into the truck to bring home a christmas tree.  and now it's standing in front of the living room window, creating the air of christmas for us. 60 years of love is balanced on it's branches. delicate inherited glass balls mingled with handmade paper decorations.  the fireplace burns often now.  and evenings seldom pass without my making a cup of tea. i will get snuggled into the holidays over the next weeks and settle in for the next few months of winter.  

i listed stockings and literary lap quilts on etsy last night, filling my online shop with bits of what makes the little white house so special. and we're having another open house this coming sunday, december 16th from 10 - 5.  we are welcoming you into the the little white house to browse the quilts and vintage books and sterling jewelry, the art and gifts and dreamy little treasures.  so stop by 55 mowat ave in portsmouth village and maybe you'll find a special cherished gift.    

i was in the grocery store the other day.  i was looking for organic peanut butter.  my eye landed on apple jelly.  and i felt such a surge of emotions that i started to cry a little.  just a little because i got it under control.  but the actual urge was to put my head in my hands and sob.  and it was absolutely the apple jelly.  i was rushed back to breakfast in the 70s and 80s.  hotels.  diners.  those little plastic individual containers of jams and jellies.  sometimes honey too.  but for some reason the apple jelly held all the emotion for me. like a physical reminder of a simpler time.  a time when there was less to worry about.  when other's still took care of me.  when all i needed to decide was what i wanted on my toast.  i'm not sure it was sadness making me cry, just raw emotion.  the love of a childhood and youth and a carefree young twenty-something.  i'm not even sure why i'm writing about this, except that as soon as it happened, i thought, 'i'll have to put this in my blog'.  

today, we are once again having an open house.  the little white house at 55 mowat ave in portsmouth village, filled to the brim with goodness.  quilts and napkins, vintage books and sterling jewelry.  lovely gifts for the people dear to you.  come by today, december 9th.  we'll be there from 10 am until 5 pm.