getting up early feels purposeless without edgar's warm steady breathing filling the room.  it's been difficult to start my day and be productive.  but gradually i'm finding my way back. making my way to the studio even for a few hours every day.  i'm working on a small and limited little collection of quilts.  the quilt tops that i pieced together while i was home with edgar.  my edgar quilts.  after i realized he was dying, i knew these would be special quilts.  there are four of them.  lovely farmhouse throws, professionally quilted by megan.  although i'm always tempted, i never keep my favorite quilts.  but this time, i'm keeping one.  so there will be three farmhouse quilts listed in the next little while that are infused exquisitely in love (even more than my quilts usually are)   

tracy sent me this photo last night.  a photo she took of one of his quilts that he had torn a heart into. jump starting my work, sending me off into this new week with purpose!

 it's been a week and a day since we lost our beautiful boy. and the sadness doesn't seem to stop.  
edgar recovered swimmingly from his surgery in november.  yet i felt, even then, that i couldn't leave him alone.  i felt he needed me.  and i couldn't seem to keep him comfortable without pain meds.  he was limping and the limping was worsening with each week.  we thought it was nerve damage from the surgery, and the aches and pains of winter.  but a week into january, we learned of the cancer in his shoulder, coursing through him.  and eight days later, he was gone. bravely, with tom and i both beside him. and he left us the gift of not having to make the unbearable choice of euthanizing.  he was only briefly uncomfortable.

the joy in our world is gone.  i am lucky that during the last 2 months of his life, i was able to spend almost every moment with edgar, without the sad and final energy of knowing he was dying. the memories are beautiful, but waking up to a house without edgar is a disappointment every time.  our friends, our family, our co-workers and our wonderful vets have made this awful experience as good as it could be. our vet came to the house almost daily to check on him (and us), and arranged medication to be delivered so we didn't need to leave him. we have been showered with love and kindnesses.  we are bursting with gratitude.  and sorrow.
i couldn't bring myself to make this post until now.  but, as always, this blog is part of my healing.  part of directing me to a healthy place.  and today is a new day.