this morning is windy with a chill and you can feel the rain in the air. i fell asleep last night pondering youthful insecurities and how they grow fainter and fainter through the years. thinking about all the concerns my younger self had about so many inconsequential things and the uncertainties i was riddled with about day to day opinions and decisions. and i wondered about the trick of aging. that despite the beauty and verve of youth many women are trapped in a little cage of uncertainty and anxiety. maybe it's the endless opportunity that sits ahead of you waiting to be saddled, the troubling necessity to find direction when we aren't yet fully aware of what will work for us, what is right for us, what will make us happy. so we try all the obvious options and they are only nominally successful. which creates a little desperation. and all this goes on quietly beneath the surface, buried just enough to make it difficult to distinguish what the actual dull disturbance in one's equilibrium is. but since i turned 40 (a fistful of years ago now) age has begun giving me it's gift. the wisdom of the ripening self that brings happiness and confidence and internal peace despite the gray hairs and extra pounds and the lines around the eyes.