Friday, September 30, 2011

this morning is windy with a chill and you can feel the rain in the air. i fell asleep last night pondering youthful insecurities and how they grow fainter and fainter through the years. thinking about all the concerns my younger self had about so many inconsequential things and the uncertainties i was riddled with about day to day opinions and decisions. and i wondered about the trick of aging. that despite the beauty and verve of youth many women are trapped in a little cage of uncertainty and anxiety. maybe it's the endless opportunity that sits ahead of you waiting to be saddled, the troubling necessity to find direction when we aren't yet fully aware of what will work for us, what is right for us, what will make us happy. so we try all the obvious options and they are only nominally successful. which creates a little desperation. and all this goes on quietly beneath the surface, buried just enough to make it difficult to distinguish what the actual dull disturbance in one's equilibrium is. but since i turned 40 (a fistful of years ago now) age has begun giving me it's gift. the wisdom of the ripening self that brings happiness and confidence and internal peace despite the gray hairs and extra pounds and the lines around the eyes.

6 comments:

  1. my grandma use to say never to trust people without wrinkles around their eyes. it mean they never cried. they never laughed. i am turning 40 in april and i realise that for the first time in my life. i kinda like myself. especially these lines around my eyes...

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  2. I really liked this. I love that we are so close in age and that we have been learning these things (that you have written about so well!) at about the same time if not together! My favorite part was "since i turned 40 (a fistful of years ago now". What a beautiful way to say 45. I love your writing!

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  3. Yesterday I was talking to someone who was complaining about how her feet hurt in high heels and I thought how nice it is that I no longer have many of the vanities of youth. I would never wear shoes that make my feet hurt, whereas when I was younger I sometimes did because I thought I needed to look a certain way.

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  4. demie.... a grandmother's advice always has the most wonderful layers of meaning.

    lisa...we have always been learning together. wonderfully.

    jen....isn't it wonderful to feel comfortable and sexy without all the bullshit trappings of what magazines say will make us sexy!

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  5. Wow. And then YOU pass this wisdom and confidence on to those ladies who are admiring you from afar (across bloglands) and they read words such as these and are then comforted by the assurance that aging is merely a myth... Spirit is eternal. Thank you.

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  6. This is amazing! Your writing is so lyrical and beautiful and you have captured the angst and essence of youth, particularly the 20's so well. Both of my children are in the midst of this and I remember my own experience with a wince. All that verve and beauty, but coupled with such anxiety, which path to choose. Oh my - so much nicer to be older in so many ways.

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