ok, so it's about a boy. this one regret. my paris regret. and when i search my memories to find a companion for it, i can't find one. i've made mistakes. lots and lots of not great decisions. but only one true regret. (tom says i should regret writing yesterday's blog and making you all curious about the regret.....he makes me giggle).
so in my mid-20s, paris was my home. for 5 or 6 years, when i wasn't there i was making plans to be there. i walked away from the biggest love i'd known or would ever know (until tom) to pursue her call. paris was a multi-layered lover. yet i still kept coming back to my michigan boy. i couldn't stay faithful to either one of them. i needed them both. and when i fell into a relationship of convenience in paris it grew ever more complicated. a man who was friends with my friends and who wooed me with his flawless parisienne french. this affair lasted a couple of years, complete with an engagement. but the truest part of me couldn't let go of the real love. and it made me a person i cringe to think of now, indecisive and whimpery at times. but i can't consider that my regret. my regret was simply this.....the last time i was in paris, 16 years ago. i was there for a month, wandering and photographing and seeing and thinking. sharing paris, absorbing her, and without knowing it, saying goodbye. i stood in one of the phone booths on the street talking to michigan, like i did so many days, with her blue april skies and the sounds and smells of her streets surrounding me. and he told me he had made arrangements to come for 5 days to be with me in paris. and i refused him. i told him not to come. that i didn't want him to come, although i did so very much. i didn't know how to reconcile all of the confusing emotions so i buried them and crushed him. that is my regret. and as a penance i have never returned. there were so many times the opportunity was there, but i felt tied and heavy and unable to bear the weight of my regret.